Typical Defences

hen you begin to tell your mother the truth about how you feel, she will instinctively and inevitably begin to deploy a series of psychological defenses designed to disorient and punish you for telling the truth.

Let us have a look at the likely obstacles that will be thrown in your path when you dare to be honest

If you tell your mother

that you are afraid of answering the phone when she calls, she will immediately ask – usually in a wide-eyed, innocent voice –

but… why?

The purpose of this maneuver is to have you provide a reason that she can reject – usually initially through the defence of minimization.

If you say: “I do not feel that you listen to me,” then she will immediately say something along the lines of…

Minimization

now

, aren’t I?” | You’re

actually the bad listener, because you don’t even notice that I

always

listen to you! | | Mother | “Are you trying to tell me that I have never – not once in your entire life –

ever

listened to you?” | You’re insane and exaggerating – I am going to create an impossible standard of proof, wherein a single exception to a complaint dismisses the entire complaint.

(“

Hey, remember that one Sunday when I

didn’t

beat you?

earth

could have put that thought into your head?” | There is absolutely no evidence for your complaint. We must look for external sources for your insanity. |

Self-Pity

child could fail to dissolve into tears when considering

plight… | | Mother | “I’ve done everything for you! I’ve devoted my whole life to my kids – how can you

accuse

me of these things?” | You owe me an endless debt of allegiance and obedience

– it would be utterly evil to refuse to repay it, let alone criticize me! | | Father / Mother | “How many times do we have to apologize for this before you’re satisfied?” | You are using criticism as an unjust weapon to hold power over us and make us feel bad. You bastard. |

Denial

Source

Script

Translation

Mother

“What nonsense – of

course

I listen to you!”

Your experience is utterly incorrect. You are attacking me unjustly. You’re crushing my illusions! Dear god, whyyyyy?!?!

Mother

“You don’t really mean that, do you? You can’t possibly believe that!” [Tears.]

Your experience is utterly incorrect. You are attacking me unjustly!

Mother

“Nothing like that ever happened. I never did that.”

Your experience is utterly incorrect. You are attacking me unjustly! I’m an eyewitness, too, and my testimony should at least balance yours!

Siblings

“No one else has a problem – only you. What does that tell you about the reality

of the situation?”

You are attacking them unjustly. We are claiming to have no problems so that you will start doubting your own experiences and shut the hell up.

Because no one else who was there will support your claims, you must have been seeing things.

Counter Attack

Source

Script

Translation

Mother

“You kids were just so difficult. I know I lost my temper, and I’m sorry about that – but you kids just pushed me and pushed me, and never listened.”

You were a bad kid, and forced me act “badly” on occasion. But it was still all your fault.

I get so frustrated when people explicitly tell me to punish them and then complain when I do what they ask for.

Mother

“I never did that! Why are you saying this? Why are you making up these stories? Why are you trying to hurt me?”

I am completely insensitive to your real pain, but you’d better be totally sensitive to my imaginary pain!

Siblings

“Yes, bad things happened for sure, those were difficult times for all of us – but it was a long time ago, it’s time for all of us to forgive, forget and move on.”

I feel really anxious when you bring up the past, so I’m going to pretend that you’re irrationally resentful, and that you’re bringing up the past as a weapon in order to control us in the present.

Siblings

“Yeah, you’ve always had a hard time forgiving people. You can nurse a grudge until it grows a beard.”

It is irrational to feel resentment about being badly treated in the past. You are just imagining all the pain that you suffered. Our parents

were fine;

you

are the bad one.

Siblings

“Tell me – who is it in your life that you feel listens to you just the right amount – not too much, and not too little? What? No one does it exactly right? Well then, the only common denominator in all the problems you have with everyone is, well, you!”

The only reason that you could ever feel pain about the past is because you have impossible standards and can’t ever be satisfied. Mom and dad were the victims of your irrational standards.

Father

“How many times do we have to apologize for this before you’re satisfied, you selfish

little…?”

I am going to get angry every time you bring this up, because since I have apologized angrily before, you should be satisfied now.

Genial Blankness

Source

Script

Translation

Mother / Father

“I don’t remember anything like that ever happening, but I can understand that it would be frustrating for you. Any time you ever want to talk about it, I’m here for you.” [Followed by blanket denials if you ever bring the subject up again.]

We’re very sorry that you had bad parents in the alternate universe that you inhabited as a child.

We understand that you’re insane, but we get understandably weary of it.

Mother / Father

“Your memory of that is different from mine. That’s not how it was for me, but everyone is entitled to his opinion.”

Your experience of your childhood is just an opinion, not reality. You are delusional, but we support you, because we are good parents.

Father

“I don’t remember that ever happening. Are you sure you didn’t dream that?”

It’s a shame that you find it so hard to process reality

. I am more than happy to sacrifice your sanity for the sake of retaining my own illusions.

Framing

Source

Script

Translation

Siblings

[Rolls eyes.] “Oh that’s just how [your name] is – don’t mind him. He’s always got a bee in his bonnet about

something

.”

Only an irrationally angry person could ever complain about our parents

Don’t mind him. He’s always upset and angry about unimportant things.

Mother / Father

“Oh we already know how you feel about

this

topic – don’t start

that

again, we got it, you have a problem with the family…”

No matter how much we try to appease you, you always want us to grovel a little bit more, because you are addicted to shaming us.

Father

“What exactly do you want me to do with all your complaints?”

I will do my best to satisfy your insane little requirements, just to keep the peace.

I have absolutely no idea what it is you’re asking for, so you might want to get to the point.

Mother

“Is there anything I can do differently?” [When you give a list, you are attacked.]

I have always been very happy to accommodate your requirements – unless you actually give me your requirements, at which point I will attack you.

Aggressive Appeals to “Compassion”

, because she is fragile.” | We should be very gentle with fragile people – unless they are children

, in which case we are allowed to attack them at will. | | Mother | “Don’t you know how much these topics hurt me? Don’t you have

any

compassion for my feelings?” | Only

feelings are important in our relationship – your “feelings” only exist to serve my convenience. | | Siblings | “Mom did the best she could. She had the best intentions, she just didn’t have the knowledge. Things were different back then – there was no ‘Oprah.’” | You are completely intolerant for criticizing mom – it’s like getting mad at a houseplant for not knowing how to program a computer. The fact that she had irrational standards for us when we were children

is completely irrelevant. | | Siblings | “Mom and Dad are getting old now. We know they didn’t always do the right thing, but they’re not about to change now, so we have to make the best of things.” | It requires real maturity – which you apparently do not possess – to accept people’s inevitable limitations. We must forgive those who do wrong – especially those who never forgave

for doing wrong! |

Aggressive Appeal to “Self-Respect”

Source

Script

Translation

Siblings

“You have to give up your anger about the past, otherwise it just ends up controlling you forever.”

Now that our parents no longer have total control over your environment, I’m going to try to convince you that they have total control over your happiness.

Your feelings will overrun you if you continue to feel them. If you’re strong, you’ll crush them.

Siblings

“We could dwell on all this for the rest of our lives, but what good would it do? You’ve just got to accept things for how they were, and move on from there.”

I am going to reject the pain that you feel, while preaching that it is moral to accept things for what they are.

Siblings

“Someone’s got to be the bigger person in this relationship – clearly it’s not going to be mom, so I guess it’s up to you then, isn’t it?”

The bigger person must always bow down to the smaller person – that’s how we know how big he really is!

Mom is a horribly weak person, so she can’t treat family members as they hope to be treated. Surely you won’t be as weak as she is!