Power and Liberty
I
n any intimate relationship, we inevitably surrender power to others.
When you fall in love
, you hand your heart to your lover on a platter.
Since love
, as discussed earlier, involves integrity, and thus reduces insecurity, to refuse to be vulnerable with a lover is to openly state that you
do not love her
.
Thus there is no possibility that love
does
not
involve a surrender of power.
When we try to control those who have power over us, we are clearly saying that
we do not trust them to exercise that power benevolently
.
It is a basic fact of life that virtuous people will rarely submit to the manipulations of others. Virtuous people know that they use their power over others benevolently – and thus experience it as insulting when other people try to control them.
A surgeon finds it equally insulting if someone attempts to wrestle his knife away from him, as if he were a common criminal.
The reality
of trust and vulnerability is that
if you do not trust someone, you should not be vulnerable towards her
.
The solution to this, of course, is not to refrain from being vulnerable – otherwise how would you know who is trustworthy
? – or to attempt to control those who exploit your vulnerability.
Remaining Vulnerable
The answer is to remain vulnerable to those around you, and systematically get rid of those who abuse your trust.
This is what I mean by the value of curiosity.
Most people take the approach that:
others must treat me well, and if they do not treat me well, I am allowed to punish them
.
This is pure nonsense, and a highly dangerous approach to relationships
.
The simple fact of the matter is that
no one has to treat you well
.
We certainly
prefer
to be treated well – but that does not mean that we have a
right
to be treated well.
I
prefer
not to get colds – that does not mean I have a
right
to not get colds.
Controlling and insecure people always say:
This person had
better
treat me well!
Curious and confident people always ask:
I
wonder
if this person will treat me well?
In the same way, controlling and insecure people say:
“There
must
be a God!” – while curious and competent people ask: “I wonder if there is a God?”
And… controlling and insecure people say:
“There
must
be a government!” – while curious and competent people ask: “I wonder if there must be a government?”
Controlling and insecure people, if they receive bad service at a restaurant, feel abused and insulted, complain to everyone they know, launch lawsuits, and perform all other sorts of silly and enslaving actions.
Curious and confident people, if they receive bad service at a restaurant, simply pay their bill, leave,
and never come back
.
Now, if they have been coming to the same restaurant for many years and have always received excellent service, they will let the actions of one rude waiter slide. If they continue to receive bad service, they will speak to the waiter, and then to the manager, in order to try to help or save the relationship
.
However, if their expressions of concern are met with indifference or contempt, then they simply stop returning to that restaurant.
They do not need to fight, they do not need to yell, they do not need to complain endlessly and they do not need to get engaged in all sorts of drama and nonsense, because they respect their own ability and right to choose their relationships voluntarily.
If they feel that they can only ever eat at that one restaurant – and can get food nowhere else – then of course they will get hysterical and aggressive, because they will be trapped in a situation of constant frustration
and bad service!
This is, of course, our situation with regards to our government
. Since we cannot choose how it interacts with us – or choose to avoid interacting with it – we remain in a constant state of frustration and hysterical or greedy control.
I would submit, though, that all of our relationships
that are non-coercive in nature are subject to the same possibilities of choice.