The Principles of Intimacy
F
irst of all, I can guarantee you that examining your personal relationships
in the light of what is being discussed in this book will be enormously costly.
If you continue, and move beyond the theoretical stage and actually understand these principles
personally
– whether you end up putting them into practice or not – it is likely that very few of your existing relationships will survive this transition.
I just think that you should know that up front.
Philosophy is not a toy – and in particular,
moral
philosophy is the most powerful force on the planet.
If you are going to bring this amazing power to bear on your relationships
, then very few of them will actually survive. I can tell you that those that do survive will be greater than anything you can imagine at the moment. In other words, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, or “hope” at the bottom of this Pandora’s Box.
Realities
First of all, I fully accept and believe you when you say that every relationship that you are involved in at the moment is based on virtue.
None of us get up in the morning, brush our teeth, look in the mirror and say:
“my wife/parents/friends etc. are
evil!
”
We may get angry at them from time to time, but we do not truly or consistently believe that they are full of malevolent intent, hell bent on our destruction, and selfish
to the core.
If people in our lives behave in a manner that cannot possibly be construed as virtuous or benevolent, we have an endless stream of clichés at our disposal with which to wish away our wounds and knowledge of corruption:
“He did the best he could!”
“His heart is in the right place!”
“She comes from a different generation, that’s just all she knows…”
“I guess I’m just a bit oversensitive.”
“That’s just his way!”
“Oh, that’s more prevalent in
his
culture.”
“He never acts with any ill intent, he’s just… brusque.”
“She’s under a lot of stress right now.”
In other words, we explain away non-virtuous actions with self-medicating
stories
. We accept immoral behaviour by redefining it as “well-intentioned imperfection,” and then proudly wear the medal of “virtuous tolerance.”
In other words, as described in Part 1, we redefine our cowardice
as “courage.”
This is very similar to the way that people view their government
. While getting upset and frustrated at some evidence of incompetent, scandalous or immoral behaviour, the “value” of government
in the abstract
, or
as an institution
remains not just unquestioned – but
unquestionable
. “A few bad apples don’t spoil the barrel,” we say, or, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.”
Thus we have a seemingly ineradicable habit of believing that those people we have relationships
with are virtuous or have our best interests at heart,
but we will do almost anything to avoid applying rational moral principles to their actions
.
In the same way, theologians claim to have
“knowledge” of the existence and will of some sort of deity. This “knowledge” is always presented as objective – as differentiated from their
opinions
– however, when any sort of objective principles are applied to this knowledge, it completely evaporates, and is revealed as, after all, a mere
opinion
.
This is an example of a meal that this book will take off your personal
“myth menu” forever:
having your cake and eating it too
.