Quality of Service

I

regularly ask my wife if there is anything that I can do to improve her experience of being married to me.

I can’t automatically tell if she is dissatisfied or unhappy about something – and I would far rather change my behaviour

before

those feelings arise – and so it is important to check in with her and make sure that everything is running smoothly.

Even if I am doing pretty much the same thing that I did a month ago, her needs or preferences might have changed in the interim. Sometimes, just asking the question can help uncover a new preference

that she is not even fully aware that she has.

The reason that I want to talk about this aspect of a relationship

is so that you understand that, as a child,

you were almost never consulted about what you wanted

.

When I say this, I’m not talking about things like

“What do you want for Christmas?” or “What would you like for dinner?” – which you might have been asked, and which is all fine and dandy.

No, what I mean is not whether your preferences were solicited with regards to

material objects

, but rather with regards to

the people around you

.

As children

, we are generally raised to conform to the preferences of those around us – though, as I talked about in my book “On Truth,” those preferences are almost always portrayed as moral absolutes – but we are not allowed to have any particular preferences

of our own with regards to those around us

.

Consultation

For instance, did your mother ever sit you down and say:

 

Is there any way that I could make your experience of being my child even more enjoyable? Is there anything that I am doing that you dislike, or that you don’t understand, or that you do not see the purpose of? Although I know that you disagree with me about certain decisions that I make for you in the moment – like “don’t eat that third candy bar” – do you understand those decisions later on, or do they remain confusing for you? Do you think that I am teaching you to follow sensible principles, for your own good, or do you find that you are merely obeying me in the moment? Overall, are you enjoying being my child? Would I be the mother that you would choose out of all the women in the world, if you could choose who was your mother? If not, why not?

 

Can you identify the emotion that wells up in your heart from even

considering

this kind of interview from one or both of your parents?

I’m telling you – this is what you need to feel to be safe, loved and happy now, and in the future.

Why is it so incomprehensible that our parents would ever ask us these sorts of questions, and ask us for honest feedback about their success as parents?

Why is it that our local pizza parlour will interview us to find out what kind of pizza we like – but our parents

will never ask us what kind of

parenting

we like?

Do you see everything that is

not

being talked about in the world?

Do you see why people grow up to be so compliant, so fearful, so frustrated, so angry, so lonely – and so fundamentally cut off from their emotional experience of the world – and thus so sad in their very souls?

Muscles that we do not use inevitably atrophy.

Feelings that are never consulted inevitably go underground.

If your opinion is never sought – or if it is “sought,” but never acted on – you will simply cease experiencing opinions.

If your preferences are constantly rejected – which is always hypocritical, since to

reject

a preference is to

express

a preference – then you will simply cease experiencing preferences.

(Notice that I do not say that you will cease to

have

opinions or preferences – merely that you will cease to

experience

them.)

Whatever we accept as a general principle we inevitably end up implementing ourselves – thus if you grow up rejecting your own preferences and opinions, you will inevitably end up attacking, crushing and rejecting the preferences and opinions of others.

Particularly those who depend on you the most, such as your children, and your lover.