Baggage

W

e all arrive with scars, and that is not a bad thing. A boxer

without scars has never fought an equal, and a lover without baggage has never risked his heart. To some degree we do learn through pain, and being on the receiving end of falsehoods and betrayal can do wonders to sharpen our criteria for trustworthiness.

However, we do run into a fundamental problem when we mistrust our lover.

Either she really

is

untrustworthy – in which case we chose to enter into an intimate and lengthy relationship with an untrustworthy woman – or, she

is

trustworthy, but we have a hard time trusting because we have been betrayed in the past.

If we have been betrayed in the past, though, we have either learned who to trust or we have not. If we

have

learned who to trust – primarily ourselves – then we cannot reasonably call our current partner untrustworthy.

If we have

not

learned to trust, then we cannot

blame

our current partner for being untrustworthy.

To explain what I mean by this, let us return to our

“loan” example.

First I tell you that you are my best friend, and then I refuse to lend you any money

because I have lent and lost money in the past.

“

Well,” you say, “are you still ‘best friends’ with those who ran off with your money?”

“

Of course not!” I reply indignantly.

“

Thus you find untrustworthiness to be a trait unworthy of someone you call a best friend?”

“

Yes.”

“

Thus anyone you call your best friend must be the opposite of the people who harmed you in the past.”

“

Yes.”

“

Thus if you tell me that you are afraid that I will not pay you back, then you are telling me that I am untrustworthy. However, since you have rejected those who failed to pay you back in the past

because

they were untrustworthy, but you claim that I am your best friend, then you are in the illogical position of claiming that I am both trustworthy and untrustworthy at the same time. If I am trustworthy, then I surely have earned the title ‘best friend,’ and you should lend the money to me. If I am untrustworthy, then it is unjust to call me your ‘best friend,’ since you find untrustworthiness such a vile character trait.”

Thus keeping people in our lives who exhibit traits we call negative utterly prohibits us from blaming them for exhibiting those traits. If we act in opposition to our beliefs, we cannot reasonably blame other people for the results.

In the same way, when the fateful words “I love you” escape our lips, they cannot be reasonably construed as a recipe, but rather as a fully digested meal. We cannot reasonably say, “I love you, but I do not trust you.” We cannot reasonably say, “I love you, but I expect you to think and act completely differently in the future.”

But of course we use the words

“I love you” for almost every purpose except what they actually mean.