“Inflicting” Emotions

I

f you and I go on a first date and I spend the first five minutes yelling at you, you will of course be frightened, anxious and upset. There is no way to avoid this reaction, since your autonomous nervous system will react to my potential attack with a healthy dose of “fight or flight.”

Naturally, then, you will make your excuses, leave, and never see me again.

If you

do

choose to see me again, and I continue to yell at you,

I

am not making you feel bad,

you

are making you feel bad.

The first time that you put your hand in an open flame, it is the

flame

that burns you. If you voluntarily put your hand

back

into that open flame, it is now

you

who are burning

yourself

.

The way that we always end up in abusive relationships

is that we simply ignore, reject, minimize or mythologize

how those relationships make us feel initially

.

As children

, we are always taught to obey external rules rather than express our honest feelings.

Feelings

destroy hierarchies – particularly unjust hierarchies.

Feelings

instantly tell us whether a situation or interaction is good, bad, or indifferent for us.

When you were sitting in your classroom as a child, did you feel happy, bored, frustrated, angry or indifferent to be there?

When the teacher called on you, did you feel eager or nervous?

Did the teacher

ever sit you down and ask you if there was any way that you could enjoy your learning experience more?

Private companies do this all the time – they are continually polling their customers to find out if there’s any conceivable way that their needs can be better served.

Did your teachers ever ask you how they could serve you better?

Did your

parents

?

This may sound odd, but it is very important to understand.